Just like chewing gum, bread, and children, love comes in varying shapes and sizes.

But, living in a predominantly monogamous society can eclipse that reality and make other forms of love and connection look… a bit odd.

Nigeria is largely split between Islam in the North and Christianity in the South, with a mix of both – and traditional religions – in the central region, and per the dominant religions, most of the country is either monogamous – one man to one woman – or polygynous - one man married to multiple women.

While there are some traditional systems – like female husband practices – that challenge a strictly patriarchal or heteronormative view of marriage, the mainstream structures still tend to;

• Places more importance on men as owners, and women as things to be acquired
• Limits what love can look like, and who can love whom

But, if we learned anything from our Secular Nigerian piece, it’s that things are rarely so neatly boxed up, and it only takes a bit of prodding to find people who live outside the mould.

So, is it a surprise that we did exactly that?

By “that”, we mean braving the wild and diverse Nigerian Gen Z population to find people with love stories (ahem, and gist, ahem) that highlight experiences that are a bit more… avant garde than Bolaji falling in love with Ada.

Cue, Polyamorous folks.

The word Polyamory comes from ancient Greek and Latin, quite literally translating to “many love”. It is desiring or being in multiple intimate relationships at the same time with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved.

Now that we’re all caught up, let’s introduce you to our poly folk…

Meet our Poly Peeps

Jafar: A 25-year-old polyamorous man living in Ibadan, Oyo state, who has been in multiple poly relationships, but is currently monogamous with his partner. We spoke about how his neurodivergence shaped his love life (he’s autistic), and why he doesn’t understand “jealousy”. Oh, there was also some stuff about how he was introduced to BDSM at 17, but you’ll have to get into it yourself to find out the details.

Timi: A 22-year-old Lagos babe working as an executive assistant and currently in two poly relationships with two women. She gushed about how being loved by women as a woman genuinely changed her life, her “straight era”, the importance of being a strict babe, what cheating looks like to her, and the one time a couple approached her. She also coined the phrase “Real lover scarcity”, and we must give 10s where they are due.

We won’t make you wait, so listen for the full gist! (You can also read along, but it doesn’t hit as hard as the audio.)

Their stories

Jafar

Ahmad:
So yeah, let's get into it. What's your current relationship setup like?

Jafar:
Right now, I'm in a monogamous relationship.

Ahmad:
But you're polyamorous?

Jafar:
Yes.

Ahmad:
Okay, okay. We'll get into that. How did you first come into polyamory?

Jafar:
I first saw the word in my dad’s library, maybe when I was 12 or 13—just after junior WAEC. I asked him about it, and he said he’d get back to me. That evening, he told me he’d done some research and explained it to me, though he didn’t really get how it worked.

I didn’t think much of it again until my first year in university. I was sexually involved with someone who then introduced me to a friend of hers. The friend said she wanted to be in a relationship with me—and didn’t mind that I was also seeing her friend. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time, but she really broke it down for me. She also introduced me to BDSM.

Ahmad:
I see.

Jafar:
I’ve always had this thing—if I like something, I want to share it. Like, if I get a new toy, I want my friends to play with it too. If I make a new friend, I want to introduce them to my other friends. It messes with my head when I have to hide things or put people in hierarchies.

So when I learned more about polyamory, it just made sense. I’ve never believed that we’re meant to love just one person forever. We’re capable of loving multiple people, so why restrict yourself?

And I don’t like that sense of ownership in romantic relationships. That “this person is mine” vibe—it doesn’t sit well with me. Even as someone who enjoys domination in BDSM, I always tell my subs: you are your own person. We’re here by choice. We should be living our own lives, and choosing to share experiences—not owning each other.

Ahmad:
With you, yeah.

Jafar:
Exactly. So when I got into my first monogamous relationship, it was really hard. I didn’t understand jealousy or possessiveness. Like, I’d be talking to my female friends and my partner would get upset. I was confused because, to me, they were just friends.

That’s when I realised—being polyamorous is a bit like being bi. Being bi doesn’t mean you’re always dating both genders at once. You can be with one or the other or both. Same thing with polyamory—you can be poly but in a monogamous relationship.

Ahmad:
So when did you fully realise, “Oh, I think I’m polyamorous”?

Jafar:
At 17.

Ahmad:
Okay, self-awareness.

Jafar:
I've been in therapy for most of my life, so I guess that helped.

Ahmad:
Fair enough. So do you tell people you’re poly? And how do they usually react?

Jafar:
I don’t usually tell people unless we’re close. Most of the time, when I do, they assume I’m just a cheat or scared of commitment. They’re like, “What do you mean you love more than one person at the same time? You must be lying to one of them.”

Ahmad:
At what point do you tell someone you’re interested in that you’re poly?

Jafar:
I don’t even get romantically interested in people unless I know them well. Most people I like are already my friends, and I’m very open—so it usually comes up naturally. If the relationship starts getting more serious, I’ll bring it up like, “You already know I’m polyamorous—can you work with that?” And if monogamy is what they need at that time, and I feel I can do that too, then we figure it out.

Ahmad:
Okay, so what happens when the person you're seeing says, “Sorry, I can't do polyamory”?

Jafar:
Then it’s a compromise. If they can’t do poly and I also can’t do monogamy at that point, we stay friends—if that’s possible.

Ahmad:
Fair. So, you mentioned you’re currently in a monogamous relationship. Was this one of those situations where she couldn’t do poly, and you chose monogamy?

Jafar:
Yeah, basically. It’s a long story.

Ahmad:
Give me the short version.

Jafar:
Okay, so I was already in a relationship when I met my current partner. And yes—for context, I’m a Yoruba man. [laughs]

Ahmad:
[laughs] Just setting the scene.

Jafar:
So yeah, I was in a relationship, and my then-partner knew I was polyamorous. She was cool with me seeing other people. I met my current partner and we became friends. At the time, I didn’t pick up on her interest—I’m autistic, so if someone doesn’t say things directly, I often miss the signs. So to me, it was platonic.

Two months in, she told me she liked me. I was surprised, like, “Oh, you do?” She was like, “Yeah, I’ve been showing you signs,” and I was like, “I don’t speak sign language!” [laughs]

Meanwhile, she made it clear early on that she wasn’t open to polyamory at all. So I said we should just stay friends.

Ahmad:
And that worked?

Jafar:
For a bit. But she wanted more, and it got uncomfortable for her, so we stopped talking. She got into a new relationship, and we drifted for a while.

Later that year, I had a manic episode—this was December. I had broken up with my partner in November. One day I came across her Snap. She posted something sad, and I just felt something. I hadn’t replied to her Snaps in ages, but I reached out. We talked.

Then on January 24, she called me at midnight. We talked till 7 a.m. It was refreshing.

We started reconnecting. And as things progressed, I reminded her that I’m polyamorous and asked how we could make it work. She said she couldn’t do polyamory. Even the thought of her man talking to someone else upset her.

That was strange to me. But I realised I was in love with her. So I asked myself—can I really do monogamy? I figured it’s just a mindset. If it stops working, we go back to the drawing board. And if we’re still not aligned, we part ways.

She was actually worried about my mental health and didn’t want me to compromise for her. But I thought, “Fuck it. I’m in love. I can do this.” I’d done it before.

It’s been challenging, but honestly, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Ahmad:
You mean being in a monogamous relationship with her?

Jafar:
Yes.

Ahmad:
I love that. I’m glad you found someone who makes you feel so deeply. Okay, so, you mentioned your previous relationship was open?

Jafar:
Yeah. She was okay with me seeing other people, but I didn’t actually have any other partners during that time.

Ahmad:
So have you ever been in a relationship where you had multiple partners at once?

Jafar:
Yes.

Ahmad:
Okay. What was that like? Just briefly walk me through the dynamics.

Jafar:
It was challenging. Being in a relationship with one person is hard enough—now imagine doubling or tripling that. Managing time and emotional needs across multiple partners isn’t easy. Everyone wants attention, and if one person feels ignored while you’re with someone else, jealousy can creep in.

Ahmad:
Yeah. You said multiple partners, right?

Jafar:
Yeah.

Ahmad:
So how many?

Jafar:
Three.

Ahmad:
So that’s four including you? That’s wild.

Jafar:
Yeah. It got complex. One of my partners had a partner, and I was with that partner too. Then I had another partner who was just with me. So yeah, spiderweb vibes.

Ahmad:
That sounds… a lot.

Jafar:
It was. Getting everyone to be at least friendly with each other was tricky. I tried to create some kind of connection among them—not necessarily romance, but enough familiarity to reduce tension.

But when it works, it really works. It’s just like a regular relationship, but double the joy—and double the problems.

Ahmad:
Why did it end?

Jafar:
Two of my partners moved abroad, and things with the third just fizzled out.

Ahmad:
Ah, that’s unfortunate. For you, I mean. Great for them.

Jafar:
Yeah, unfortunate for me.

Ahmad:
So what’s a big misconception about polyamory that makes you want to scream when people say it?

Jafar:
People think being polyamorous means you just collect relationships like Thanos collecting Infinity Stones. Like, "Oh, you’re poly? That means you want everyone." No. It’s not about hoarding partners.

Polyamory is about communication. If I’m already in a relationship and I want to pursue someone else, I have to talk to my current partner first. They have to be informed, involved, and agree. You don’t just show up like a Yoruba man with a surprise second wife.

If your current partner isn’t okay with it, then you either step back from pursuing that new person—or you accept the consequences and end the current relationship. It’s still a proper relationship, just not monogamous.

Ahmad:
Yeah, that makes sense.

Jafar:
Also—another big one—people think you can’t cheat in polyamory. Like, "How can you cheat when everyone’s allowed to date others?"

But cheating is still a thing. If you pursue someone without your partner’s knowledge or consent, that’s cheating. Polyamory doesn’t mean "anything goes." Boundaries still exist.

Ahmad:
Facts. Okay, next question: how do you handle jealousy or insecurity, both you and your partners?

Jafar:
So, I don’t actually feel jealousy. I have a condition called alexithymia—it’s the inability to identify or express emotions.

Ahmad:
Whoa. What does that mean in practice?

Jafar:
Growing up, I didn’t understand emotions like jealousy. When people said they were jealous, I’d be like, "Why?" It just didn’t compute. But being in polyamorous relationships forced me to confront it because my partners felt it, even if I didn’t.

One time, I had to talk to my dad about it. I told him, "I don’t understand what my partner wants when she says she’s jealous." And he said, "Ask her. Ask her what’s going on, how she feels, and how you can support her."

Turned out, my partner just wasn’t used to sharing her time with her partner. When she was with me, she wanted me to herself. So I worked to build familiarity between her and the others—got them talking, became friends even if not close.

That way, when I said I was with someone else, it wasn’t this mysterious threat. It became, "Oh, tell her I said hi." It made everything smoother.

So yeah—communication and empathy. That’s how we made it work.

Ahmad:
Yeah. It sounds like there’s a lot of intentionality, communication, and just… a deeper-than-average level of consideration for people’s feelings in those kinds of relationships.

Jafar:
I think, to me, the greatest love language is actually consideration.

Ahmad:
Yes, I believe that too.

Jafar:
It’s consideration. Like, when you do something, you think: How is my partner going to feel about this?
Is there a way I can do it so it won’t hurt them?
And if it is going to affect them, can I minimize the damage?

Ahmad:
Yeah.

Jafar:
Or even—do I have to do it at all?
If I don’t do it, will it affect me negatively?
And if it will, can I reduce how badly it affects me, too?
If none of that works, then I’ll sit with my partner and explain things properly so they understand. That way, it’s not like I’m just springing it on them and expecting them to deal with it because they love me. That’s how resentment starts.

Ahmad:
Yes.

Jafar:
You keep accepting things over and over without talking about them, and one day it just… erupts. And nobody even knows what caused the problem anymore.

Ahmad:
Yeah, it builds up and then bursts.

Jafar:
Exactly.

Ahmad:
So in these kinds of relationships, it can get tricky if you're not both very direct with your expectations and considerate of each other’s feelings.
What kinds of conversations do you usually have with your partners around boundaries?

Jafar:
Hmm. That boundary part… I’m very, very guilty. I get told a lot that I don’t have boundaries.

Ahmad:
What does that mean?

Jafar:
You know how there are certain things people believe you should only do for your romantic partners—not friends?
Me, I don’t understand that. I grew up in a family where, if my dad could help you—even if it hurt him—he would. As long as he had the means, he’d do it first and worry about the consequences later.

That’s how I live my life too.
So, let’s say I have 500k now. If a friend comes and asks to borrow that 500k, and just after that, one of my partners comes and says they need it too… I’ll give it to the friend. Because they asked first.

Ahmad:
Yeah, I get that.

Jafar:
But then people say, “He’s just a friend; I’m your partner—there should be a hierarchy.”
And I don’t understand it. But that’s why I say: communicate with me. Tell me, This is a lapse; there should be a boundary here. Then I’ll say, No problem—next time, I’ll handle it differently.

Ahmad:
Okay. We’ve talked about how you sometimes flout boundaries or don’t understand some social conventions—but what about the reverse?
What are some boundaries you enforce in your relationships? Like, what are things your partner shouldn't do?

Jafar:
My boundaries are simple: Don’t do to me what you wouldn’t want me to do to you.

Ahmad:
But that’s very ambiguous. That’s not very clear.

Jafar:
Yeah… and that’s the problem.
If you do something to me—whether it’s hurtful or not—I’ll assume it’s okay. Because if it were done to you, you wouldn’t have a problem with it.
So I won’t count it as bad.
But if later, you complain when I do the same thing to you, then that’s where we’ll have an issue.

Ahmad:
Yeah.

Jafar:
It’s a bad habit, I know. But my logic is: if you did it to me and I didn’t complain, that means I believe you wouldn’t complain either if it was done to you.
So, if you do complain later, it becomes confusing for me.

Ahmad:
Yeah, it’s very black and white for you, isn’t it?

Jafar:
Exactly. That’s how I see it.
To me, anything goes—as long as I can do it back to you.

Ahmad:
So theoretically, your partner can do anything, as long as you can do it back to them?

Jafar:
Yes. But that’s also why we lay down rules at the start of a relationship.
We talk about things that are hard limits—what we won’t tolerate.
And if something happens later that wasn’t on the list, we go back to the drawing board, talk about it, and add it to the list if necessary.

The issue is, I don’t pick up on social cues easily. So if something is done to me, I’ll assume it’s okay unless we’ve specifically talked about it.

Ahmad:
Do your hard limits change in each relationship, or do you have a specific set you stick to every time?

Jafar:
I don’t think it’s a “limit” in the strict sense. But I have executive dysfunction, and I really don’t like being told what to do. Say I decide on my own to send you a good morning message every day when I wake up. You didn’t ask me to start doing that—I just did. But then one day, something comes up and I miss it. If you respond with attitude or start complaining about it, the joy of doing that thing is gone for me.

Ahmad:
Because now it feels like an obligation.

Jafar:
Exactly. At that point, I’m only doing it out of duty, not because I enjoy it anymore.

I treat people the way I want to be treated. Then I start treating them the way they treat me. So if I’m always doing something—like sending those messages—and it’s not being reciprocated, I’ll eventually get tired. One day, I’ll stop doing it, just to see if you notice. And how you respond to that says a lot.

If you come at me like, “Why aren’t you doing that thing anymore?”—that will definitely trigger me. But if you ask instead, “Hey, is everything okay?”—then we can talk.

Ahmad:
So your rules are very reflective. They’re not rigid or fixed—they change depending on how you feel or how the other person shows up.

Jafar:
Yeah, I kind of mirror people.

Ahmad:
Yeah, yeah. That makes a lot of sense.

Okay, so... do you ever feel the need to hide your relationships from family, friends, or even colleagues?

Jafar:
Yes, definitely. I mean, I’m polyamorous, I’m queer—none of my family members knows I’m queer.

Ahmad:
Yeah...

Jafar:
So of course I have to hide my relationships. I’m also in the BDSM lifestyle. So yeah, I have to.

Ahmad:
Yeah, that question is even kind of funny now that I think about it—like, of course. Duh.

Okay, so do you feel like being polyamorous has changed the way you see love and commitment?

Jafar:
No, I don’t think it’s changed anything. It’s just emphasized what I’ve always known about myself.

Ahmad:
So for you, it’s more like the natural expression of how you’ve always loved?

Jafar:
Yes.

Ahmad:
Okay, okay. So what do you love most about being polyamorous?

Jafar:
I love not having to hide when I’m interested in someone. In a monogamous relationship, you have to suppress that interest, pretend it’s not there. But with polyamory, I get to explore that interest fully. If it fizzles out, I can withdraw. It gives me room to experience people more authentically.

Ahmad:
So you enjoy the emotional freedom.

Jafar:
Yes. I like being able to extend myself emotionally—just feel and be honest.

Ahmad:
And that doesn’t get overwhelming for you?

Jafar:
Oh, it does sometimes. There was a time when I was romantically interested in, like, five people at once.

Ahmad:
Whew!

Jafar:
Separately, of course. I was in a relationship, and my partner at the time was monogamous but open to me having other partners. I wasn’t even actively looking—it just happened.

Ahmad:
So what did you do?

Jafar:
I told everyone the truth: “Hey, I’m confused. I need to dial back and focus on my partner.” I said we could stay friends, and I’d love that, but if it’s too much for them, I understood. That was hard because I hadn’t “fallen in love,” exactly—but I’d formed deep emotional bonds. Letting go felt selfish, even greedy.

Ahmad:
Okay, so another thing I’m interested in exploring—briefly—is what happens when there’s favouritism? Not from a partner, but on your own end. Like, do you ever realise, oh, I think I like this person more than the others? How do you navigate that while still being mindful of everyone’s emotions?

Jafar:
Okay, okay—so this actually reminds me of something my dad used to do. I have two older siblings, but from early on it was obvious I was my dad’s favourite. So what he did was—if any of my siblings needed something, they only had to ask once and he’d sort it out. But with me, it was more complex. He wouldn’t just give me what I asked for, even if he wanted to, because he didn’t want it to look like he was doing it because I was the favourite.

So, there would be a whole conversation between him, my mom, my siblings, and me. The point was to determine: is this something I genuinely need? Can I do without it? Am I asking just because I know he’ll say yes? If it was the latter, the answer would be no.

When I was 15, he sat me down and explained it. He said the reason he handled things that way was because he didn’t want any resentment if something happened to him or my mom. He didn’t want anyone to say, you got more because you were the favourite. He wanted to be seen as fair.

And honestly, that’s how life is. You won’t love everyone equally—but you have to find a way to be just. You have to be fair, so it doesn’t breed animosity among the people involved.

Ahmad:
Even if that means reigning back your feelings for someone so it’s not too obvious?

Jafar:
Yes.

Ahmad:
Okay, so what would you say is the hardest part of being poly?

Jafar:
Communication. Definitely communication. You have to go to your partner and say, “Hey, I met someone, and I’m really interested in them.” That’s not easy. You start wondering—will they be okay with this? Will they let me explore this new connection?

And then you need to understand why you’re interested in that person, and be able to explain it clearly to your partner. That way, they can make an informed decision. And if their answer is no, they also have to be able to explain why. It can’t just be about holding onto you or asserting control—it has to be a valid, understandable reason.

So yeah, having those kinds of honest, vulnerable conversations can be really hard.

Ahmad:
Yeah, I can imagine. Because emotions aren’t always logical, and trying to turn feelings into a rational argument is tough.

So, what advice would you give someone in Nigeria who’s curious about non-monogamy?

Jamal:
First of all, do your research. Read about it, learn what it really means. It’s not just about dating multiple people—it’s a whole mindset and a structure.

Then, try to find a community where you can talk things through with others who are into or exploring non-monogamy. Understand the concept and what you’re getting into.

But most importantly—know yourself. You have to know who you are, what you want, and why you want this. It’s not easy. It can be really challenging. And it’s unfair to your partners if you enter into these kinds of relationships and then start getting cold feet later. Be sure of what you want before bringing other people into it.

Timi

Ahmad: What’s your current relationship setup like?

Timi: I’m polyamorous. I don’t do hierarchy—my lovers are equally important to me. Right now, I have two partners, both women, and I’m so happy. They’re also partnered, and we all get along well. It’s like a little family—everyone looks out for each other.

Ahmad: That’s beautiful. Do your partners know each other?

Timi: Yes, they’re actually friends! I think they'd understand if I ever jokingly asked for a threesome. It’s all rooted in honesty. Everyone knows who likes who, who’s crushing on who. There’s no shame—just love and care.

Ahmad: How did you first hear about polyamory, especially with your Christian background?

Timi: It’s tied to being queer. I first learned about it from a friend who practices hierarchical polyamory. At the time, I was single and curious, and it just made sense to me. Later, I realized I could love multiple people deeply, and I didn’t want to limit myself. Being with someone else who was poly opened my eyes—it just works for me.

Ahmad: What do you love most about being polyamorous?

Timi: It’s peak romance. It’s built on deep honesty and emotional intelligence. You can’t avoid hard conversations—you have to face your insecurities and communicate them. That vulnerability has made me a better person and partner.

Ahmad: Do you tell people upfront that you’re poly?

Timi: Yes, always. It’s not a “manage me like this” thing—it’s just who I am. If someone wants to pursue something, they should know from the start.

Ahmad: How do people usually react?

Timi: I don’t talk to just anyone. I’m demisexual, so I mostly fall for friends. If I’m talking to you romantically, you’re likely already queer and open-minded. And honestly, the average babe I’m into isn’t a stupid person.

Ahmad: “She’s not a stupid person”—I’m crying!

So, you mentioned that you’ve been in a situation where someone—like that monogamous woman—heard you were poly and responded with “That’s cool, but it’s not for me.” I imagine that kind of clarity must be refreshing?

Timi:
Yes, exactly. There was this monogamous woman who was interested in me, and when I told her I was poly, she just said, “Oh, that’s great—so cool that you can love people like that. But I don’t think I could be okay with it.” And it was that simple. It was honest. And it was very good.

Ahmad:
Yeah, okay. That makes sense. So, what are some misconceptions people have about polyamory that you wish you could just debunk once and for all?

Timi:
My goodness, man. Even the poly jokes I see on the timeline—especially on Twitter—you can just tell they’re brewed from a place of ignorance. People assume that Lagos queers or poly people are just cheating, that it’s all sneaky or messy. But honestly, some people just aren’t good people, and that’s not a polyamory problem—that’s a character issue.

Ahmad:
Omo, everybody is everybody abeg. Let’s be real. Let’s tell ourselves the truth.

Timi:
Exactly. People assume we’re sneaking around, but that’s not what it is. In fact, the stakes are higher. My babes are very strict, so I’m very strict. We run a tight ship. I’m not against you seeing other people—but if you’re not telling me? That’s very, very hurtful. As a polyamorous person, I’m hyper-aware of how my actions affect others. I’m careful with people’s hearts.

One huge misconception is that we’re all sexually promiscuous. But I’m demisexual—I don’t form sexual connections easily. That alone cancels the argument that being poly means you just want to sleep around.

Ahmad:
I get that completely. I’m demisexual too, so I really understand where you’re coming from. Okay, so you’ve talked about jealousy and insecurity—those heightened feelings in poly dynamics. I spoke to someone once who said polyamory is like multiples of everything you feel in a “normal” relationship—twice the joy, twice the jealousy, twice the angst.

Timi:
Oh my God, yes. I agree. That’s such a great way to put it.

Ahmad:
So how do you handle jealousy or insecurity—both yours and your partners’?

Timi:
Great question. We do monthly check-ins. Like: “Am I pleasing you enough? Are you getting what you need? Is the energy I started with still what I’m bringing now?” Those conversations help so much. It’s easier to open up when you know your partner won’t dismiss you or call you crazy. Conversations are hard, but they’re a must—you cannot half-ass communication in polyamory.

Some people say they’re ethically non-monogamous but aren’t fully honest or intentional. That hurts people. You have to be sincere. If you’re starting something new with someone, you need to tell them where you’re at mentally—what you can offer and what you can’t. Don’t let anyone feel like they were hoodwinked. That happens too often.

Ahmad:
Okay, okay. So you mentioned feeling starved of affection before—open communication is how you deal with that, right? And when roles are reversed—like when your partner feels jealous—you apply the same principle?

Timi:
Exactly.

Ahmad:
Okay, okay, okay. I love that. I just—I love women. Gosh, I love women. Anyway—
You’ve touched on boundaries and hard limits. What kinds of conversations do you have with your partners around those? What do boundaries typically look like for you?

Timi:
I’m a really chill girl. Very accepting and open-minded. So nine times out of ten, if you bring something to me, I’ll probably say “Okay, cool.” My issue is when you don’t bring it up at all. When you didn’t think I was a safe enough person to share it with. So miscommunication is my biggest boundary—I don’t want vagueness. If something crosses your mind and you think I should know, just tell me. I probably won’t even mind.

Also, as a lesbian, one of my partners is pansexual, so a boundary there is around sexual health. Safety is a priority: regular testing, being honest about anything that feels off. One thing I love about being in queer relationships is how open we are with stuff like that. If I’m having a yeast infection or something, I can say it. It’s not taboo—it’s just real life.

If you’ve had unprotected sex with someone else, I want to be the first to know. I don’t even have strict boundaries around things like friends—you could move to my friend if you wanted—but please don’t break their heart. Just let me know and be kind.

Ahmad:
Yeah, okay. So, what does cheating look like to you?

Timi:
Cheating is lying. It’s knowing you can’t give me what you said you could and not being honest about it. I’ve seen this a lot—not just in poly relationships, in general. People love to perform. They want to look like they’re in the perfect relationship, but they haven’t actually checked if both people are happy.

In my first poly relationship, I felt cheated when my partner left me for someone else—because it turned out she couldn’t do polyamory, and that only came up when I asked. We were already deep in it, already friends. It hurt that she didn’t say it earlier. I just wish she’d told me she couldn’t give me what I needed so I could choose whether to stay. Instead, I was left high and dry. That felt really unfair.

Ahmad:
That makes a lot of sense. One of the first things you said was that you don’t believe in tiered relationships. So how do you deal with—or have you ever dealt with—favoritism? Feeling like, oh, maybe I like X more than I like Y?

Timi:
To say otherwise would be disingenuous. We’re human. There are times when our attention is more focused on one person—especially when they’re new and everything’s exciting and full. But I always have to ground myself. My other partners are still my partners for a reason.

The worst trap for a poly person is thinking another partner can “fill the gap” when one isn’t meeting certain needs. That’s a recipe for disaster. That’s why I keep stressing honesty, communication, checking in.

I’m chill, but I’m also the biggest crash-out. Once I’ve told you I don’t want something and you go ahead and do it? I’m obviously going to react. So I’d rather have the hard conversations. They suck, but they’re necessary.

I’m also a very anxious person, with an anxious attachment style. So I’ll usually talk to my close friends first. That’s another thing—polyamory is about community in different ways. I talk to my people, and they help me figure out how to approach things with love. I don’t want to come at someone too harshly, because I love them.

Even during dry spells, I’m soft with my partners. I still hold them in high regard. Because they’re not substitutes—they’re equals.

Ahmad:
So you’d say it’s normal to hyper-focus on someone at first, especially when it feels like they’re giving you everything—but that you have to make a conscious effort to stay grounded?

Timi:
Absolutely. You have to remind yourself why your other partners matter to you. You chose them for a reason. Grounding yourself is love in action.

Timi
Romance is really important in this context. You can't do polyamory without being romantic—not in the over-the-top, “I must spend all my money” way people always argue about. You know that classic excuse—“Nigeria is hard, I can’t have multiple partners, I don’t even have money!” But it’s honestly just about loving your partner in their love language.

Me, for instance—I love to cook and care for the people I love. It comes naturally. And if I can’t be there physically, I want my words to soothe you. So my love languages are words of affirmation and acts of service. But that doesn’t mean I love everyone the same. It’s still about what my partner needs. If I notice I’m giving one person more attention, I call myself to order and remind myself to love the other the way they want to be loved.

Ahmad
That’s so intentional—I love that. I hope the whole world listens to this interview and learns from it. Bring back intentional lovers, please! What’s happening out there, sorry?

Timi
It’s a real lover scarcity, hahaha.

Ahmad
Thank you! A real lover scarcity. Okay, smashing—what’s it like being poly in Nigeria, where most people expect you to either be monogamous or just secretive?

Timi
Oh wow, it’s interesting. When I’m talking about a partner—even now—it’s still a thing. If I’m chatting with my siblings or friends and I mention my babe, they’ll be like, “Which babe?” And I’m like, “Yes actually, I have another babe.”

At this point, I’ve heard it so much that it doesn’t bother me anymore. The people who matter understand, and I have a lot of poly friends too. So we don’t even entertain those low-vibrational conversations anymore.

Now, when it comes to going out—especially as a lesbian—it’s a bit different. I live in a country where even when I’m with my babe, men will still approach us. It’s wild. But I’ve created such an intentional bubble for myself that I sometimes forget how the majority thinks.

Ahmad
That makes sense. Based on what you’re saying, there’s definitely a connection between purity culture and the shame around polyamory in Nigeria?

Timi
Absolutely. I’ve been saying this! People are so misinformed. They think being poly is just sex with different people. And I’m like—why is the idea of sex with different people so taboo that you’re crashing out over it?

It all stems from purity culture and people’s messed-up relationships with sex.

Ahmad
We need everyone to go to therapy, honestly. Or maybe just enroll in the Timi School of Real Love and graduate with honours. Please and thank you.

Okay, so you touched on this earlier, but let’s go deeper. Do you feel the need to hide your relationships from family, colleagues, or on social media?

Timi
Hmm. That’s a good question. For family—my siblings are open-minded. I had to make it clear early on: “If you don’t accept me like this, I’m sorry—you won’t get me any other way.” I was ready to ghost all of them and leave them wondering why.

Thankfully, they’ve learned to accept me, and that really makes me happy. Of course, their realities as straight people are still very different from mine.

Ahmad
Very, very different. Sometimes I genuinely can’t believe how different straight people’s perspectives are. There are things they’ll just never understand—it will never occur to them to think in that direction. It’s wild.

Timi
Exactly! That’s why it hurts even more when I see queer people shitting on poly folks. Like—you know what it’s like to not conform. Just because you don’t get it doesn’t mean you have to talk down on it. You can not understand something and still be respectful.

Ahmad
Period. Okay, now lighten the mood—give me something cute, something funny, something wild. Any memorable experiences you’ve had while dating poly?

Timi
Oh my God, this couple once moved to me together! It was one of the best experiences ever. You know that “we saw you across the room” moment? I was like—okayyy, say less.

We’d already had little crushes on each other individually before, and while the actual hookup was inherently sexual, we’d had a bit of a friendship. Not super close, but there was care.

But then I realised—they were one of those monogamous couples looking for a fun conquest. That’s not it for me. And it always shows in the end.

Like—after sex, what do you mean you’re not doing aftercare? That’s bare minimum! I felt so uncared for. And even though we weren’t in a relationship, I still think softness is basic courtesy. Ask me if I liked the experience at least?

Ahmad
Yes! That’s my biggest thing with hook-ups. I can’t do it. There needs to be something—softness, warmth. I don’t know how to hook up!

Timi
It was so jarring. I was like—jeez.

Ahmad
Like damn. Na so una dey do for here? Jesus. What’s going on?

Timi
I thought this was a classy party! Hahaha.

Ahmad
It is not classy—sorry please. No class in those kinds of parties. That’s why I don’t even use dating apps. Almost all my partners—I’ve met them in person, through friends, or somewhere real. I don’t know how to form connections virtually. Anyway—that’s a sidebar.

Do you feel like being poly has changed how you see love or commitment?

Timi
Yes, definitely. I think I’m a better person for it.

Before I realised I was polyamorous, I hadn’t even been in romantic relationships, but my friendships were so intense. I always felt like I gave more, loved more. And I used to feel terrible about it. I’d tell myself, “Some people just aren’t like that,” but I couldn’t help how affected I’d get.

If I fought with my best friend, I’d cry all day. That’s how deeply I love.

At some point, it felt like I was chasing the kind of love I wanted to give myself in other people. Like I was trying to fix broken things to feel worthy. And people would be like, “We’re just friends, why are you acting like I’m your babe?”

But when I realised I was polyamorous, it gave me language and clarity. It helped me accept myself. I’m a real lover, and that’s not a bad thing. Vulnerability is strength. And now, I have people who understand that. I attract other intentional lovers and friends. I’m really grateful for them.

Ahmad
I’m grateful for them too.

Timi
They’ve really made me a better person, honestly.

Ahmad
Okay, so what would you say is the hardest part about being poly?

Timi
Oof. Sometimes I’ll be suffering from heartbreak—while also being happy. It’s so strange. That mix of emotions is so unique. Only someone who’s been through it will truly understand.

Ahmad
Yeah, it’s really hard. I don’t want to unintentionally make you feel affected by it, but there’s no way around it, really. That’s just what happens. So, at the end of the day, it still boils down to communication and all that. But omo, it sucks. I just remembered—there was a time I was going through a friendship breakup. It was really bad. I was on a staycation, and I was sobbing in the bathroom. My partner was just standing by the door, just being there. And I really appreciated it, because I didn’t feel like I had to explain why I was heartbroken or why my mood was all over the place. They just got me. And that meant so much.

Ahmad
Okay, as we wrap up—do you have any advice for someone in Nigeria who’s curious about non-monogamy but scared to try it?

Timi
I’d say: read. Please, do your research. Don’t jump straight into the practical. Honestly, people in Lagos? They’re not good people. Monogamous, polyamorous—whatever the flavor—some of them are demons.

Ahmad
laughs Evil. Demons. Gargoyles. That Lagos? Gargoyles. Thank you.

Timi
Yeah! It’s better to read up, sit with yourself, figure out what you want and what you don’t. What are your hard limits? Your soft limits? And don’t compromise on those for anybody. There’s no love that should make you say, “Oh, let me stop being polyamorous.” That’s wild. Because if you’re really about this, no one should be able to shake your core beliefs.

Ahmad
So you don’t believe someone can be poly, then meet a monogamous person and go, “Okay, let me be monogamous for you”?

Timi
People do that—many such cases. But I think it’s insincere. Don’t lump all of us under the same polyamorous umbrella. Like I said, there are different variants. I think people like that are more non-monogamous than polyamorous. And that’s fine! Maybe they were non-monogamous until they realized, “Oh, I can actually shut this down.”
But if you’re truly poly, it’s part of your identity. It’s not something you can or should compromise. Imagine breaking up with your polycule just because of one person? That’s crazy. I’d have to knock some sense into you—what do you mean?

Ahmad
laughs Yeah, yeah. Okay. I think we’re done, really.

Timi
Okay! This was so nice. I really liked the questions—you asked such thoughtful ones. Thank you.

Ahmad
Thank you! I’m so glad. I feel like polyamory is really interesting, and a lot of people either don’t understand it or don’t want to understand it. Or they get this one-sided, skewed version. And it’s just like—no, baby girl. That’s not the vibe. That’s not what we’re doing here.
So I’m just really glad I got to speak with someone like you—someone who is polyamorous, who’s in it and living it—so people can see that it’s not this weird, impossible thing. People are actually doing it. So yeah. Thank you so much.

Timi
Yay! You’re welcome, and I can’t wait.

Well…

From Timi and Jafar’s stories, it’s obvious that polyamory is a lot more complex than having multiple sexual partners and is not an excuse to sleep around.

Humans are too multifaceted – and Nigerians too interesting and culturally diverse – to be pigeonholed into one kind of love.

That’s like saying the whole country only eats jollof rice and chicken for lunch.

Yum, but like… let’s spice things up a little, hm?

As our poly peeps echoed, loving multiple people simultaneously means everything magnified; more love, more drama, more heartache, more responsibility, more feeling.

This is also why we reached deep into our hearts to pull out The Love Choke Index.

Because really, the love don choke.

The Love Choke Index