Growing up in a Nigerian home means a few things;

• There is an ice cream container in the freezer with egusi soup in it.
• If you check the kitchen, you will see a set of dishes and cutlery your mum only brings out when there are guests over.
• The best time to ask your father for something is when he is in the middle of his friends – in fact, he will even give you times two, just to show them that he is also not small in this life.

If you can relate to any – or all – of these scenarios, then you already know that things are not always what they seem, and Nigerian parents love drama.

After all, it’s their generation that birthed the golden phenomenon of old Nollywood, which is arguably the best thing from Nigeria since Agege Bread and Detty December.

So, as with all dramas, Nigerian parents have lines.

Many of which pack enough of a punch to make grown adults deeply reflect on pertinent matters such as:

Am I a fool?

Gif.

Anyways, dears, this is why we’re here today; to tell you exactly what your parents mean and what you can do about it.

Don’t bother thanking us jare, just open your ears.

Psst. If you still live with your parents, we have a guide for you on how to navigate the struggles without running mad.

It can be quite a task, but we’re with you.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness

This is a one-liner for a reason.

While its exterior is innocent, almost scriptural, underneath that thin layer, you will find that they have zero faith in your ability to take care of yourself.

They are telling you that you look and/or smell like a disaster.

Everyone has off days, so don’t take it personally, dear. What you should take, is a shower.

With soap. Also, deodorant didn’t kill anyone, and clean clothes have no side effects.

Buy Better and House of Coco should be able to assist you there.

Need more? Check our Index.

Is this how you will do in your husband’s house?

The nuptial obsession of Nigerian parents is nothing new.

So much so, that in early 2024, instead of other things like education and entrepreneurship, the Nigerian government sponsored the mass wedding of at least a hundred women – including many orphans.

But, let’s not get too deep into that.

As a lady, if your mother asks you this question, just take it that you are very far from wifey material. In fact, the most skilled atelier can not make even the shortest of mini-skirts with the material you possess.

You are faced with only two options: Prove her right, and let her realise that marriage is not the capstone of your future happiness, or, fast for 40 days and 40 nights, at the end of which a shining beacon and pillar of strength in the form of a man of virtue will appear to you in your hunger-induced hallucinations.

By then you will be hospitalised and maybe, just maybe, you will find your husband in the bed next to yours.

If not? Well. So sorry, dear.

Do your mates have two heads?

Unlike the other two, this one might sting a little more.

At a time when comparison to peers and an economic crisis are happening simultaneously, It can be tough to have someone pointing out things that you’re likely painfully aware of.

Then if it’s your parent? Doubly so.

This is a gentle reminder that things are hard for everyone right now, and paths differ, no matter how similar in age, circumstances or talents you are with someone.

But, that doesn’t mean you’re helpless; you can brush up on or learn a new in-demand skill on AltSchool Africa, pick up a language, start a business or even just blog on Iko Africa.

So, the answer is, no, your mates don’t have two heads – this might come as a shock to parents, but most people typically have a singular head on their shoulders – everyone’s head is different, and thats fine too.

Is this the cloth you want to wear outside?

If you haven’t caught on, Nigerian parents love rhetorical questions. It’s like a drug to them, asking people things with apparent answers.

In this scenario, they are convinced you are absolutely out of your mind. They can not believe you want to leave the house, as you are dressed like a lunatic.

We are all aware of how image-conscious Nigerian parents can be, so why do you want to leave their home dressed like someone who doesn’t have one?

In reality, it’s either of two things: First, you really are dressed like a sack of beans. Please, go and change. Second, you’re dressed in fashions they disapprove of.

Maybe you’re wearing your mini skirt made of not-wifey material, or your jeans are ripped.

There is mastery in knowing the difference. If you’re in the latter category, we say ride on, dear.

You can continue with your fashion journey with our Gen Z style forecast 2025, or get something from our Must-Have Fashion Items list.

If you have decided that is what you want to do with your life…

Sometimes, when your parents see that your head may be stronger than even theirs, they will concede.

Do not take this lightly at all, for it takes great humility for them to accept that your life, is in fact, not theirs to mould.

On one hand, they have accepted your choice, on the other, there might be an unspoken completion to that sentence that goes,

…don’t come to me if things go badly.

Most parents, however dramatic, wouldn’t go so far as to hope their child’s endeavours don’t bear fruit, but, they will derive some satisfaction from telling you they told you so.

Which is fair. They did.

If you need tips on doing your own thing and damning the consequences, check out our piece about a male make up artist who left med school to follow his passion in beauty.

Be not afraid.

I know you won’t call me if I don’t call you…

…so, I said let me greet you.

It’s no secret that some Nigerian parents aren’t very emotionally intelligent. So, it makes sense that they don’t have healthy relationships with their children.

It’s just how the cookie crumbles, really.

If you have one of such relationships with your parent(s), and you’ve been away from home for an extended period without contact (for school, or maybe you’ve moved out), you have probably heard this passive-aggressive line once or twice.

It’s as close to an “I miss you” as some Nigerian parents will ever come to.

But, let’s be serious, every relationship can be challenging, and sometimes we need a little help navigating the really hard bits. Apart from making an effort – why is it so hard to call them once in a while? – you can check out Blue Room Care for in-person and online therapy.

There’s one last thing you have to check out before we award you a certificate attesting to your mastery of Nigerian parental jargon…

Unlike mummy and daddy, we don’t beat about the bush.

Here is The Parental Cho Cho Cho Index.

The Parental Cho Cho Cho Index

There are probably hundreds of sayings that we didn’t explore in this, so tell us, which one do your parents love? Which one do you anticipate using on your own unruly offspring?

Tell us in the comments below, or at least, leave a reaction to let us know what you thought of the article!