Big Brother Naija is one of those shows that grab attention even without active focus—you will know—often against your will— something about a housemate (who you will either be completely enamoured by, or vehemently hate.)

The show is such a phenomenon that academic research papers have been written on its Moral Implications on Nigerian Youths, and apart from the eye-watering millions of Naira contestants stand to win, they also use the platform as a springboard into serious fame.

Tacha? Mercy? Phyna? Ring a bell?

Anyway, if you’re reading this, you know a thing or two about the show, which is why you may have unconsciously—or consciously—modelled your life after it.

There’s no judgment here, dear, we’re all the main characters in our individual lives.

But how far do you take it?

Here’s how to tell if you’re the star and producer of your own Big Brother Naija House.

Your Group Chat is the Diary Room

For you, there is nothing quite like taking centre stage in the group chat and just confessing/venting/downloading to your friends. You become something of an academic, providing irrefutable references (screenshots/recordings, voice memos, Instagram handles…) because what are you, if not thorough?

Infamous Dairy Session kick-offs include: “So, there’s this guy…”, “Blood of Jesus”, “Ehen, I even forgot to gist you guys about…” and our favourite, “AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!”.

Your group chat is where you land after every flight, and the one place you shed your big boy/babe shoes and let yourself cry, laugh or hate as the situation demands.

And certain situations demand quite a lot.

You’re in a Strategic Alliance You Won’t Admit (Entanglement, anyone?)

As much as you love a diary sesh, there are just some things that have to stay between you… and someone else. 

Maybe you know that things between you and said person won’t go anywhere, but what’s a bit of fun in the house? It’s not “real”, is it?

Even if it is clownery, at least you’re self-aware. Which makes you better than 90% of other clowns. Yes, we did the math. 

Or maybe both of you have a defined end goal; we will leave that definition to you, housemate.

Anyway, we’re not saying anything o, but we have a gist filled story about situationships, that you can check out.

Again, we are not saying a word.

You Soft-Evict People All the Time!

As both producer and audience of the show, you have the power to fling anyone out of the house at will, and you aren’t shy to exercise that power whenever the need arises.

Only the diary room (your group chat) knows just how many people you’ve ghosted, soft-blocked, and full-on cut off.

They call you strict, but are you?

You just know exactly what you want, and the types of people who can give that to you.

One plus one being two, and all that.

Anyway, we’re sat for the next Sunday eviction, please, ride on.

You’re Performing for Invisible Cameras

This is yet another nod to your excellent skills as a producer; the best reality shows are, as the name suggests, the truest to life.

So, of course, cameras are hidden to make the experience as life-like as possible.

But, because the audience is invisible, it doesn’t mean they aren’t there; you still have to look your best, and never let them catch you with an unsavoury expression—even if your housemate serves you the jollof rice she forgot Lot’s wife in.

Yes, you always have a fresh cut, no, there isn’t an event, yes, you’re wearing your best jeans to go and buy bread.

And what about it?

There’s Always a Plot Twist

There are a few words some might use to describe you, but predictable can never be one of them.

You ended up with your ex? Don’t worry, jare, they said the third time’s the charm. 

Yesterday, you were complaining about NEPA with the rest of us, but your Snapchat story from two hours ago says you’re now in Marrakesh? Can’t let your enemies predict your next move. 

Another extension of your unpredictability is your penchant to make the most sus relationships last longer than is scientifically possible.

Your babe cheated on you with your uncle, but when she explained her point of view (one day last year, you didn’t pick up her call, so she called your father’s brother, and he picked up), you couldn’t help but empathise.

You were the one who didn’t answer her, so you understood.

Others marvel at your tolerance, but c’mon. This is the love of your life here; what’s one or two unfortunate happenings?

Nothing do you, jare.

Anyway, dearest reader and housemate, there is something supremely unique about recognising and owning your main character syndrome.

If you nodded your head at three out of five of these signs, then you’re probably already living your reality star dreams, and we, as the benevolent monarchs we are, are here to invite both self-awareness and indulgence into the dairy room.

This is why our Big Brother (The Real One) Index exists: to hurry along  your manifestations.

The Big Brother (The Real One) Index