See, if you don’t take enjoyment seriously, you will just die for nothing, and the people at your burial will eat your jollof rice, and that will be that.

I will even ask them for two meats because me too no small.

Anyway, Nigeria is hard, a fact.

But is that why all you have to post on your Snapchat story are memories?

I didn’t see an obituary, dear. Why are you acting like your best times are behind you? You no dey breathe?

Anyway, if you’re a regular here, you already know that the reason I wake up every day is inextricably tied to jollity. Enjoyment. Delectation.

More specifically, how can I enjoy this one life I have to the fullest? What can I do today to spark a joy so absurd that even my enemies have to congratulate me?

Well, my quest for the answer to these philosophical queries landed me in a quiet spot tucked into a corner of swanky Maitama, Abuja.

Sit well, dear, let me tell you how it went.

Lantees Cafe: First Impressions

The cafe is literally tucked into a corner, and if you don’t know where you’re going, you’d pass the gate to the Sarious Palmetum Botanical Gardens – where the cafe is.

According to their Instagram, the bistro is “A space of warmth and nature-inspired flavours”, and the stone walls and palm plants oh-so-aesthetically placed throughout the space – both in and outdoors – reflect that.

Outdoor seating at Lantees Cafe

The space takes full advantage of its location , with the huge windows letting in maximum light, and pulling your attention to the view of the flora outside. This neat little design trick makes the space seem larger than it really is – It’s a bit small – and the earth tones and plants inside do a great job at making you feel a bit more connected to nature.

Inside Lantees Cafe

Also, their lighting? Golden, tasteful, and ambient. Nothing glaring or tacky, i.e., great for pictures.

Okay, enough waffling, let’s get to the meat of things.

Menu & Pricing

Their menu is very breakfast/brunch-esque, so, think French toast, granola bowls, coffee, sandwiches, salads, and pizza. Also, for pricing, we’re talking about ₦25k-ish for a dish and drink.

Anyways, as soon as I spied a pasta, I was sold.

Penne Pesto – (₦13,700) + smoked beef (₦4000)
Penne Pasta, Homemade Fresh Pesto, Cream, with added smoked beef.

6.5/10. As you can see, the plating? Gorgeous. The dish was also deeper than it appeared, so I got a pretty decent amount of pasta, which I will always approve of. It even came with a small serving of grated cheese.

Now, the pasta itself; the pesto was subtle, but still umami and rich – If you’ve never had pesto before, this is a good starting point -  and the smoked beef was grated (?) and incorporated into the dish well enough that I could taste it from first bite to the last, but the noodles themselves were just a tiny bit past al dente (slightly overdone).

My biggest gripe with the dish overall – seconded by the grated beef -  was how the flavours came together at the base, but lacked completeness because of one element.

Salt. 

More specifically, a lack of it.

While the heartiness of the grated cheese lent flavour, I was furiously tapping the saltshaker over my food every two bites.

The ambience and the pesto were points for Lantees, but the lack of salt felt like sitting just below the peak of a mountain and imagining what it would be like on top.

If I’m being honest, a pinch or two of salt, would have carried the dish into the 8-9/10 category.

Lemon, Ginger & Lemongrass tea (Iced) – ₦6500

8/10. If you saw my Moeshen Cafe review, you’d know I love acidity in my drinks as a sort of palate cleanser and flavour enhancer.

This fit the bill almost perfectly; light, tangy, refreshing, cool and subtly fragrant. I would have loved if a bit more ginger came through to give it some punch, but I still enjoyed it between bites of my food.

Total spend: ₦24,200 + ₦3025 (5% Service Charge and 7.5% VAT) = ₦27,225

If you’re on a budget, just make sure you leave room for some friends – namely, Service Charge and Value Added Tax – so when they jump into your final bill you aren’t too surprised.

Who should go?

Lantees is a great breakfast and lunch spot for people who enjoy a relaxed, tastefully nature-inspired atmosphere and don’t mind spending a little bit more to dine in it.

It’s also a beautiful spot for pictures, both inside and out, and there’s a botanical garden – the Sarious Palmetum Botanical Gardens -  right down the road, so it’s great for a postprandial walk, which I took.

Verdict

Lantees Cafe is gorgeous, tastefully understated, and a bit more expensive than your average lunch spot – especially if you’re watching pennies. But then, its tucked into the heart of one of Abuja’s more high(er) brow areas, so can you really say you’re surprised?

Entrance to Lantees Cafe

Was it worth the money? 

Well, I can’t say I didn’t enjoy my experience at Lantees; the space was beautiful, chic and grounding in a way I enjoyed, the service was super kind and speedy, and that is a huge plus in my books.

But, the food did let me down, and I left wishing I could say something better about my meal. Especially because Lantees is the sort of place you treat yourself to – the average Nigerian isn’t spending ₦25k and above on lunch every day.

So, right now, I wouldn’t say it wasn’t worth it, but I also won’t stand ten toes down that it was. I would revisit, but I probably wouldn’t have the pasta again.

Once bitten, twice shy, and all that.

Anyways, if you liked Lantees, we’ve come up with an index of other places we think will tickle your fancy. Think of it as an extension of our Chop Life Church Member, and Chop Life Deaconess Indexes.

The Chop Life Church Usher Index. It’s a mouthful, but no be you wan chop life?

The Chop Life Church Usher Index

Also, our last quick ask: what are some of your favourite places to get a good bite? Anywhere we should review next? Comment under this, or talk to us on Twitter, Instagram, or Threads.

Our ears are open; put something inside.