Everyone knows how relationships are supposed to go.

You meet someone, compare your madness to their own, and then decide if you want to be doing “Good Morning Baby” and “You didn’t call me before you slept” with them.

This is also when you change their name in your phone from the one their mother gave them, to “Sugar banana”, and start saying “we” and “us” to all your friends because apparently, when you get into a relationship, you also have to change your pronouns and make it everyone else’s problem.

On the streets, we call this sect “Relationship people”.

But we are gathered here today not to table their matter (as annoying as they might be), but to discuss a newer, more interesting type of human relationship. The younger, edgier sister of the more traditional Relationship.

A variant, if you will.

She goes by “Situationship”.

If you don’t know what a situationship is, we don’t know whether to be happy that you don’t know of such dangers, or sit you down and let you know of one of the terrors of the world.

Today we are in an educative mood, so let’s talk about it.

Do you know that time when you’re getting to know someone before you officially start dating?

Yeah, imagine it stretching… and stretching… and stretching… into its own unique relationship.

And thus, a situationship is born.

If you didn’t get that, it’s essentially a romantic relationship without clear definitions or commitment.

Situationships are increasingly popular despite their formless nature. Maybe even because of it.

In this funny, yet not-funny story from The Nation about how Kenya’s capital, Nairobi, has become a situationship breeding ground (ahem, Lagosisthatyou, ahem) we learn that this specific madness is not unique to Nigeria.

Business Insider Africa also referred to this type of relationship as “flirting with disaster”. But they also said it may be “the future of dating”, so who really knows?

Which is why we are gathered here today, brethren.

To open the pot, remove the bedsheet and disrobe the popular yet unstable experience that is a situationship.

To do this, we have to go straight to the source.

This is why we made it our business to find young Nigerians who have been tested by the divine creator himself (they’ve been in situationships), and get them to talk about their experiences.

Meet our (situations)hipsters

Rave – a 21-year-old Computer Science graduate of the Federal University of Agriculture, Abeokuta, who described situationships he’s been in as “hot fires”, and opened up on how he met his first flame at JAMB tutorials.

Vee – a 23-year-old Microbiology graduate (now an Abuja youth service corper) whose last situationship made her realise that men are a very strange breed. From abuse, “cheating” and gaslighting to slut shaming and manipulation, she don try.

Ben – a 21-year-old romantic living in Kaduna who has been in many a situationship, but told us about how one particular (Lagos) man made him question everything – including his own feelings.

Before we carry on, we have to give a disclaimer.

Speaking to these people was a purely scientific endeavour. We certainly didn’t do it because we love amebo.

Definitely not that.

We are only dedicated to providing you with the most accurate and detailed portrayals of diverse human life.

So, you see, we are really just guides, helping you understand your world on a deeper level.

Can someone raise us a Hallelujah?

After all, we are doing the Lord’s work.

Their stories…

Lessons to be learned from Rave

• Go to JAMB tutorials. It doesn’t matter if you’re a graduate, just go. You might find love (or at least a situationship) there.

• Situationships burn hot and bright, but keeping it that way takes a lot of effort.

• Respect your partner, even if you’re not in a relationship with them just yet.

Lessons to be learned from Vee

• Don’t believe men. (kidding) (not really)

• Don’t give attention to people just because they’re giving you attention. Do you actually like them?

• Once someone starts telling you what you can and can not do in a situationship, know that you’re in danger.

Lessons to be learned from Ben

• Fine people have wahala. Medium ugly is best. (this is a joke)

• Stay away from Lagos. 

• If what you want is not what you’re getting from your relationship, bring it up and have an honest discussion. If nothing changes, leave. People are waiting for you outside, no be only one taxi dey road. 

Do you see how we’ve educated and entertained you in one neat package?

Very demure, very considerate.

In all seriousness though, situationships aren’t all bad. Sometimes, they can be a great way to get to know someone, catch a vibe, and have it end there.

As Rave said, it’s all about exploring people, building connections, and knowing when to let things “go back into the nothingness”.

It’s also out of our benevolent mindfulness that we crafted The Situationship People Index.

We really do so much for you it’s insane.

Go on, see what goodies we have for you.

The Situationship People Index